... blong?
Monday, June 13, 2005
Punk
The average blogger, I suspect, types his posts out with a keyboard. None of that for me. I am in fact shouting this through a megaphone for some sellout to type up, whilst simultaneously injecting beer through my eyeballs and overthrowing the government.
That's right. I can overthrow the government from the comfort of my own home, through sheer willpower. Not that I believe in homes of course - they're symbolic of those middle-class commercialised bastards.
Society will soon crumble, from the combined mind-chaos of us elite few punks. Anarchy shall prevail; the streets will be filled with the joyous shouts of those we have saved from the disease that is capitalism. People will smash up guitars on the pavement, and throw TVs out of windows. Entropy and Disorder shall prowl the streets in their uniform of spiky leather jackets and unconventional haircuts.
The sidestream movement that is punk shall remain underground no longer. We are rising from the ghetto.
Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.
Look how awesomely wasted I am. Examine my inability to string together coherent sentences without mentioning the word "punk". Inspect my disrespect for society. Analyse how unique my punk spirit is, and ponder over the fact that only punks are individuals.
Check, in short, my bad self.
Yeah.
That's right. I can overthrow the government from the comfort of my own home, through sheer willpower. Not that I believe in homes of course - they're symbolic of those middle-class commercialised bastards.
Society will soon crumble, from the combined mind-chaos of us elite few punks. Anarchy shall prevail; the streets will be filled with the joyous shouts of those we have saved from the disease that is capitalism. People will smash up guitars on the pavement, and throw TVs out of windows. Entropy and Disorder shall prowl the streets in their uniform of spiky leather jackets and unconventional haircuts.
The sidestream movement that is punk shall remain underground no longer. We are rising from the ghetto.
Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.
Look how awesomely wasted I am. Examine my inability to string together coherent sentences without mentioning the word "punk". Inspect my disrespect for society. Analyse how unique my punk spirit is, and ponder over the fact that only punks are individuals.
Check, in short, my bad self.
Yeah.
Omens of the Apocalypse
Aside from the whole "rains of fiery meteors from purple-streaked bloodshot skies over lands afflicted with disease, drought and famine" business, there's actually quite a few of these:
1. OK! magazine. The headlines on the front page of my sister's copy (not, repeat, NOT mine) are:
2. The death of Elvis.
3. The way people are really stupid. More African kids die every day from starvation than died from the tsunami and its aftereffects, yet people don't think about it that way. Because the tsunami was so sudden and unexpected (and got so much media coverage), people think that somehow it's worse. So they donate their £5 and get on with their lives in the knowledge that they've done something good. A few weeks later, they won't have thought much more about it. And the thought of those African kids, or any other of the hundreds of millions of people suffering similar fates worldwide, probably won't have crossed their mind at all.
4. The government. Just who do they think they are, running our country for us? What's wrong with feudalism? Who needs society, anyway? REAL men don't need medicine. Or technology. Or jobs. If we were all given big swords and a horse and told to farm ten acres each, the world would be a lot simpler. Moreso if we lived in caves.
5. Junk mail. Who actually makes it? And do some people believe it enough to give them money?
6. The way global warming is going to dry out the planet with the heat of a million Suns, then flood it with the water of a thousand seas, then propel it to the outer reaches of the galaxy via some extremely weird particle interactions, then finally scrunch it up really small and make it explode, producing a lovely visual effect for any passing aliens.
Oh yeah, and Death harvesting the souls of the damned on his fiery skeletal steed. That too.
Points 1, 3 and 5 being serious. Satan made me put the rest in.
1. OK! magazine. The headlines on the front page of my sister's copy (not, repeat, NOT mine) are:
- "Beckham exclusive - amazing secret revealed!"
- "Big Brother exclusive: Michelle and Stuart's diary"
- "Celebrity Love Island - diet special - exclusive"
- "Brad & Angelina World Exclusive 'we get on great' interview and pictures"
- "Jordan - Wedding Exclusive".
2. The death of Elvis.
3. The way people are really stupid. More African kids die every day from starvation than died from the tsunami and its aftereffects, yet people don't think about it that way. Because the tsunami was so sudden and unexpected (and got so much media coverage), people think that somehow it's worse. So they donate their £5 and get on with their lives in the knowledge that they've done something good. A few weeks later, they won't have thought much more about it. And the thought of those African kids, or any other of the hundreds of millions of people suffering similar fates worldwide, probably won't have crossed their mind at all.
4. The government. Just who do they think they are, running our country for us? What's wrong with feudalism? Who needs society, anyway? REAL men don't need medicine. Or technology. Or jobs. If we were all given big swords and a horse and told to farm ten acres each, the world would be a lot simpler. Moreso if we lived in caves.
5. Junk mail. Who actually makes it? And do some people believe it enough to give them money?
6. The way global warming is going to dry out the planet with the heat of a million Suns, then flood it with the water of a thousand seas, then propel it to the outer reaches of the galaxy via some extremely weird particle interactions, then finally scrunch it up really small and make it explode, producing a lovely visual effect for any passing aliens.
Oh yeah, and Death harvesting the souls of the damned on his fiery skeletal steed. That too.
Points 1, 3 and 5 being serious. Satan made me put the rest in.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
The monkey
On my eternal quest to find the roots of society's ills (good working hours; pretty shitty conditions; all applicants accepted), I've come across a little something, commonly known as "human nature". And now I'm going to tell you a story about it. You may have heard it before, but I expect you shall read this, just on the off-chance that you glean something from it.
During the Napoleonic wars, the fisherfolk of Hartlepool one day spotted a French vessel (the Chasse Maree) off the coast. Fearing an invasion, they were glad when it was eventually sunk due to severe storms. They scoured the beaches for wreckage, and found one survivor - the ship's pet monkey. In a sailer's uniform.
When the monkey wouldn't respond to questioning about Napoleon's tactics, they hung him for being a Frenchman.
This explains a lot about human nature.
During the Napoleonic wars, the fisherfolk of Hartlepool one day spotted a French vessel (the Chasse Maree) off the coast. Fearing an invasion, they were glad when it was eventually sunk due to severe storms. They scoured the beaches for wreckage, and found one survivor - the ship's pet monkey. In a sailer's uniform.
When the monkey wouldn't respond to questioning about Napoleon's tactics, they hung him for being a Frenchman.
This explains a lot about human nature.
- Copyright Mike and Maxxy P 2004-2005 -
